Energy infused through my nerves, electrifying my spine as I began to perform a seated Urdhva Dhanurasana (wheel pose) back against the sissy bar. My head was taunting the opportunity to kiss the back tire as we sailed past 80mphs. My hair screamed in terror pulling away towards the sky. His tattooed knuckles faded from my vision. The synergy of it all as he twisted the throttle down slowly while releasing the clutch with his opposite hand seduced my mind forcing me to bite my bottom lip. The wind held my hands and my thighs held his hips and in this moment I was free. The do this and do that’s of the world became vapored ghosts and the clogged wars in my head are released when I ride. My inner indecisiveness echoed down the barren road and I felt unchained from the permanent weights around my ankles. In this moment my life just couldn’t get any better, or so I thought.
“It takes getting everything you’ve ever wanted and losing it, to know what true freedom is.” ~Lana Del Rey
Lana must be my kindred soul sister & our story is the same.
In 2010 my cards were dealt hard. In one short year I lost my mother, my job, my husband, my brand new house, my unlimited money and therefore my security. So I did what anyone would do, I slowly burned. I wasn’t in Folsom Prison but Johnny is spot on, when you don’t have sunshine you start wanting to shoot people just to watch them die. Wading on a river of illusion I peered back at the world through the smoke of my cigarette and with tired eyes I realized that holding on to the world I knew and the world I’d rather have, just tortured me more.
The check engine light was blinking. There was a problem, but my tequila glazing wasn’t the solution. No true cure is obtained by treating a symptom; I had to get to the root.
There was a familiar whisper from the mat and I reluctantly crawled to a yoga class; however I wish it would have come with a warning. Caution, when done correctly may cause an emotional and physical exorcism. Yoga is a science of stripping away your layers, conjuring demons, unwinding regret and becomes an art of reconciling your past, exploding new muscles, sewing the scars on your heart and the birth of your true authentic self. Sounds beautiful but can be quite grotesque. I often wonder why there is so much energy to warn me that the coffee I ordered hot could burn me, yet my heart didn’t come prepackaged with a warning label about life events that could cause turmoil and loneliness; the true killers out there.
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin leads you on the path to transformation.” ~ Eat, Pray, Love
So with these new tragedies, I begged for the “Melt your Cares Away” yoga class. Instead what I received was the “I’m going to cry on this mat in a room full of strangers at 6pm” yoga class. Awesome. Yoga was this shovel that started a slow dig at every dark grave in my body. The comforting IV of caffeine, liquor, bad decisions and over eating reversed direction and began pumping outwards, unlocking all that was toxic and stale into a bucket at my bedside. What remained was a weak naked body in a hollow room without a nurse and only one object, a fogged mirror.
From the highest high, I hit the lowest low and was left to discover what was accurately authentic. As common as the sun rising, we all will be dealt some blows that could change the entire game. Throwing us to the ground with a variety of punches, they have the power to make you question everything. I was living a life that embraced my chameleon soul but as the divine picked up the eraser and washed my board clean, a new door opened that unearthed truths I hadn’t seen before. I believed I was free, yet I started to see that I was a 9-5 miserable slave and a restricted pleasure addict. I would dream about the opportunity to saddle up and release the 5 days of conformity, killing my limited time here on earth to truly only vacations and weekends. In that moment you can and will be forced to choose to either haul around a backpack of dead weight containing despair or shed your identity as a victim and rise. I realized I didn’t need to seek and find new replacements to all that I had lost. Instead it was this explosion of light and understanding on how much bigger I could live even without those things.
“Let everything happen to you, beauty & terror, just keep going. No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Yoga literally means to yoke. It is the union between you and your higher self. This process alone isn’t for the faint at heart. You will literally have to become some form of a badass to venture this deep and grow this hearty. Yoga will pick the mirror up and shove it in your face but surprisingly not for judgment. It isn’t time to start analyzing everything and categorizing into right and wrong boxes, it is simply an opportunity to bear witness, to even the darkest energy. You aren’t broken beyond repair when you choose certain paths or experience the undesirable because all of it is ok. It’s all just an endless wave of opportunity to grow and morph. Experiences are the vehicles, the rides to move you to a higher place of self-love, it’s not about self-help.
Today there are still wars in my head, but I no longer call the nurse in for a new IV. I understand their purpose is just as valuable as the peace they reside next to. What is feared most is your guru. Everything you’ve ever ran from is the very source that can crack your heart into a million pieces, pouring light and freedom that is purely indescribable in words. It’s a freedom you only know, when you are lucky enough to have experienced a deep swim through a moat while on your way to the castle. If and when you find yourself in the middle of the moat of life, take the gift and heed the warning. This freedom is for you but you have to be brave enough to endure a slight exorcism and be open enough to living a life much bigger than you imagined.
The open road still feeds my inner gypsy but instead of riding to escape, I ride to absorb the oneness of it all. The saddle bags are empty, no longer holding the wars of imbalance. With the exorcism behind me, I relish in the freedom that now flows all seven days of the week. The symphony that comes from the synergy between the growls of the ride and the winds from the divine plays a melody I am humble to receive. We are all riding at different speeds and playing from different decks of cards but are you truly aware of the life support systems you have created for yourself? Coming off of them is the answer. I understand it may be eerie and yes it can get a little ugly, but trust me when I say awakening will be the best natural drug you’ll ever be on.
You’ve been warned.
Luv&light, we are one