She Birthed My Soul and Broke My Heart

The army of white coats forced an introduction of two estranged neighbors that lived in my temple, the day I was unnaturally put into submission. “There is nothing else we can do, we suggest removing support” said one of the highly educated white coats. The room was stuffy, their charts were oppressive and the walls were void of inspiration. In a dead tone the words simply fell out of my mouth and tumbled onto the table. “I don’t know what to say, my head and my heart haven’t had this conversation yet”. From there they were introduced and the battle began.

My heart made the first move by snipping one of the stitches open, draining sorrow and pain. The mind quickly retorted with deep rational thoughts and intelligent reason. They never played well before but over time my heart and my mind would have to learn how to, if either were to survive.

“I think everyone has a broken heart, underneath all the decoration. Perhaps that’s what we are surrendering to.”~

The art of surrender and letting go is a heavily layered process and this was the monumental event that had finally begun to peel the first layer back for me. It was the tedious and irritating plastic wrapper that took forever to remove and was the most painstaking. It was also the iconic beginning to an internal marriage of my heart and mind and the deeper understanding of Aparigraha.
My mother wasn’t a hoarder, but she was a nonrelinquisher. It didn’t come from greed but it did come from a place of someone who had gone without.

“It’s just fear in another color”~ Rolf Gates

Throughout the years when my mother and I didn’t work as a team and vied for primacy, I was still silently following in her footsteps. Her insane need to use the most precise and veracious words gave birth to the writer within me. Little did she know by grabbing my hand and taking me to my first yoga class as a child, she was morphing a teacher. Along with these gifts I also received her inability to let go. On her death bed I specifically remember saying aloud to her “You’ve never been able to let go and neither have I. Now what do we do… I pinky swear, if you let go, so will I. If we do it together, then we aren’t alone”. Deep down I knew that didn’t make sense but it was a last ditch effort to get me through this. The following day she died and to live up to my end of this sworn promise, I have made it my job to figure out how the hell to do it.
Aparigraha is an opportunity to learn how to say good bye in every single format in the script of life. And over time you begin to learn that it clears and presents new space to allow for something more to come in and grow through faith, it is not about loss. As with all battles we have been programmed to believe there has to be a winner. On the mat, I have practiced and now learned a completely radical and different way of living. My mind, body and spirit are one and must be supportive to their own functions and not ever battle against leaving a winner.
The work to obtain this harmony has been ongoing but progressive. So I was quite confused when last week out of nowhere, tears singed my eyes upon remembering this holiday weekend, even though it’s been three years since her death. What was even more confusing was what followed, a sigh and laughter. The emotions were real. They came from a place of authentic loss but instead of my programmed response to suppress and for my mind and heart to begin yet another battle over how to process, something different occurred. My heart didn’t interfere with my thoughts and my mind didn’t judge the sorrow. Instead the tears just poured out and like a loyal husband, my mind simply comforted the heart with a logical “hey it’s all ok”.
They were playing quite nicely.
What my mind acknowledged was that my heart was still secretly harboring some trauma from her death. Instead of judging myself in the process, I simply just let it be. In doing so I had voided anxiety, fear and became weightless. It is not about removing all that is painful, it is the faith that once released, the universe has my back and would undoubtedly bring peace. I didn’t need to hold on anymore. In that precise moment if I were to fold in trust, I would be fearing change. The laughter was the result of realizing, I was making good on my promise.

“Most of our energy goes into upholding our importance. If we were capable of losing some of that importance, two extraordinary things would happen to us. One, we would free our energy from trying to maintain the illusory idea of our grandeur; and two, we would provide ourselves with enough energy to catch a glimpse of the actual grandeur of the universe.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

A mother’s love; unconditional with no boundaries and regardless of time and space has an invisible cord you cannot cut. She was my soft place to land and my biggest fan and when the human connection was broken it left me quite unraveled. Today I honor the woman who birthed my soul, broke my heart but within this brokenness, let new light shine through giving me an opportunity to come closer to my authentic self.
I miss you mom and I am grateful every day for introducing me to the pathway of Yoga, to which is guiding my way. I am so blessed to have you as my angel by my side. I love you with all that was and all that will be.

Luv&light we are one

 

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