Undisclosed Desires

From time to time, I have emotional anorexia. I restrict the intake of good feelings which creates a pile up of bad feelings. What happens then is shhh_-1144114612just inner hell to which morphs into bulimia, a full blown purge of unbalanced feelings and actions. What person doesn’t open the door to greet a new emotion every day? Some of us go crazy over the carousel of them in our heads from hour to hour. But when the same ones, particularly the negative keep re-surfacing its time to ask the question, are you in a slow suicide of unfulfilled desires?

Desires. We all have them. Sitting like a penny in the bottom of a dark well. Just wishing, hoping they come true. From time to time you peer down the well, just to see if they are still there. The thought of it makes the side of your mouth rise up pouring redness across your cheek and your eyes become seductively half drown. But suddenly, your cell phone rings and you snap back to your current reality, brushing off the guilty pleasure. These dormant dark pleasures make your heart flutter but you never fully roll out the welcome mat to let them bloom.

Do your inner desires, those good tantalizing ones, deserve the very bottom of the well?

Yoga is about letting go, but to a degree of the highest consciousness. We are supposed to practice Vairagya-freedom from desire, non-attachment. So is suffocation the answer? I think we actually suffocate our desires with a form of attachment. By ignoring our desires, we have now developed an attachment to security, to the known, to the accepted, to the approved, to the masses and to the regulated. These words are not accepted in my vocabulary.

The Art of Non-Conformity. It is the ability to release any and all attachment to conformity on all levels. Releasing the attachment to what is approved as right and re-writing the story to approving what’s right for you. Rebel against conformity, these words are in my vocab.

I can guarantee there are hidden desires of all levels within all of us. Kaledioscoping in all shapes sizes and colors. And sadly for some, they are buried so deep, they tragically think they don’t even exist. “Poor is the man whose pleasures depend, on the permission of another.” Well said Madonna.

But the truth is, they are there. Desires to start a business, run a marathon, secret sexual desires, climbing some mountain, the list can go on and on. I see the barriers between us and the desires all having one common denominator. Fear. Highly over rated and over publicized by doubt, she’s quite the bitch. Judgment, her BFF, pays her bills to keep her ticking and frankly it’s time to cut everyone’s salary.

Your attachment to safety is getting old and the clock is silently making you a fool. The fear you may fall out at mile 8 in that marathon or the rejection from a lover when your fantasies are unleashed is real. However, with each dismissal your true self is becoming a mirage. Opening ourselves up and seducing those desires allows us to break the barriers we often put up around us. If we don’t let ourselves truly become a complete natural state of balance, living our truth, then we aren’t fully conscious of the wealth that exists. Letting go is the key to unfolding all that’s naturally yours.

“My pain is self-chosen
At least I believe it to be
I could either drown
Or pull off my skin and swim to shore”

RIP Layne Staley

Every emotion, the good, the bad and the ugly are not meant to be compartmentalized. I spent many years thinking all my bad emotions were “wrong”. Thanks society, you had me for a while. But I grew wiser, understanding there was no need to put things in someone else’s wrong and right category, for me to know what to do with them. Once I detached from everything around me, I was able to see clearly, producing a huge sigh of relief giving answers without a ruling from our culture, our mentors, and our “insert any authority figure here”. I didn’t need to run from bad or good, I acknowledged them all, tuned my frequency in with a solo channel, and was amazed how much it set me free from judgment, shame and all those other jerk feelings out there. And if we give equal attention to them all, setting them all free is much easier.

Rules for Non-rule Members: Eliminate the need to restrict any emotion, understanding they are ok and a tool there to guide you, putting no emphasis on one more than the other. If you restrict the good, I guarantee you will see a rise in negative that will morph into low thoughts and unexplained bad behavior. Pull undisclosed desires from the internal well, because they are yours and deserve a balanced attention. These desires are often the key, to unlocking your true self and living the life of fulfillment. Start enjoying the benefits of non-conformity, becoming unattached to what anyone else thinks and decide what’s right for you. And truly recognizing your desires can be fulfilled, but it’s up to you to give yourself permission to obtain the wealth of this freedom.

“I always say, when the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound, clear, and loud than the opinions on the outside, you’ve mastered your life!” ~Dr. John Demartini

Keeping the undisclosed desires in the well may feel cozy, but wouldn’t unleashing them be so much more delicious?

Luv&Light, we are one

Find me on Elephant Journal!

3 responses to “Undisclosed Desires

  1. Hey terri- it’s your cuz michelle. my mom directed me to your blog. love it. you are an excellent writer. i just started doing bikram this past week. it’s so hard! But so good. i want yoga and breathe and a new consciousness to be integral facets of my everyday as i embark on the life post-marriage. glad i found you on my journey! Serendipity!

    • That is so awesome!! YES YES! New consciousness..the key :) Hope you are well and may you just be!! Thanks much for the love & support. Love ya cuz

  2. Pingback: The Exorcism of a Yogini | Yoga with Terri·

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